Bisexual?

Bisexual is just a label, like straight or gay.

If someone asks you if you're bisexual, what do you say?  Some will say yes; some no.  Ultimately it is up to you to choose the labels that you wish to apply to yourself, and no-one else has the right to choose them for you.

For some, you're straight if you have only ever been sexually attracted to the opposite sex and you're gay if you've only ever been attracted to the same sex; everything else is bisexual.  For others, you're straight if you're predominantly into people of the opposite sex (but might, for example, occasionally fantasize about those of the same sex); similarly you're gay if you're primarily attracted to those of the same sex as yourself; and you're bisexual if your interests are fairly evenly divided between the sexes.

Whatever definition you use, there is a continuum of sexuality from 100% straight, through bisexual, to 100% gay.  Most people lie somewhere on this continuum and your own personal definition of straight/bisexual/gay is really about where you draw the dividing lines.

I suspect (although I have no evidence to back this up) that most people lie towards one end of the continuum, with a few people falling somewhere in the middle part: that is to say that most people are predominantly attracted to people of one gender (be that the same or opposite gender to themselves), and only a few people are attracted to a mix of both genders in roughly equal proportions.

Where do you live on this continuum?

For my part, I live fairly close to the heterosexual end of the spectrum.  For most of my life I would only ever admit to being 100% straight.  Indeed, to some extent that was true as I had never been attracted to, or participated in any kind of sexual activity with, a member of the same sex.  But I now see that this view was somewhat mal-informed, for I had never allowed myself to be open to the possibility that I could be sexually attracted to someone of the same sex.

It was only six or seven years ago that I realised the error in my ways.  I was at a conference when I met a guy who I fancied.  Admittedly he was somewhat effeminate (with long hair, and he was very softly spoken with an air of gentleness about him), but for the first time in my life I fantasized about, and masturbated to the thought of, having sex with another man.  It's fair to say that I was somewhat disturbed and horrified by what had occurred, but over time I have come to accept that this is just as much part of who I am as is being straight (albeit in unequal measure).

I think I'm correct in saying that since that day I have never met another man who I have been sexually attracted to, but that doesn't mean it was a once-in-a-lifetime event: for one thing I now fantasize about having sex with another (non-specific) man on a semi-regular basis.  It tends to come in bursts: for a few weeks every few months my sexual fantasies are split equally between both sexes, before returning to being primarily about the opposite sex.  Why is this?  I don't know and nor does it really matter, but I have a suspicion that as I become more comfortable with my bisexuality it becomes a greater part of me, in much the same way that as I become more at home with being masochistic and submissive, that too becomes a bigger part of me.

So whilst I primarily crave the discipline and love of a woman, right now I have to admit that I'm hungry for cock.

Needle play

Until fairly recently I had a phobia of needles - something I had lived with since early childhood.  Thankfully, with the help of others, I was able to overcome this phobia and I now have a love-hate relationship with needles: if I let myself be blasé about it I will still succumb and at the very least will feel faint, light-headed, dizzy, nauseated and somewhat flustered; but if I remain focused and give willingly myself over to the discomfort of the needle then I remain calm, cool and collected - I even manage to enjoy the small but noticeable pain of the needle piercing my skin and it empowers me.

Now that I am open to and proud of my own masochistic tendencies, the love part of this love-hate relationship with needles has developed into a desire to partake in a play-piercing (or needle-play) BDSM scene.  Of course great care and forethought has to go into making such a scene reality if you are to minimise the very real risks of serious infection, permanent nerve damage or severe bleeding.  Whilst reading up on the details of needle-play I came across this website which appears to give a very detailed and moderately comprehensive overview of play-piercing.  I heartily recommend it to anyone.

As a novice play-piercee you probably don't want to go too far and I suspect that something resulting in marks like this would be appropriate:

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For the more advanced player the sky is the limit when it comes to the design of the piercing, and the number of needles is limited only by the size of the area to be pierced.

I'm not sure I would have the nerve to go as far as these brave people who are no doubt wearing their piercings with pride:

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This beautiful lady is to be particularly respected as this was her first ever play piercing!
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So what is a submissive?

submissive (n.) one who gains empowerment by the voluntary gifting of control to another

There are probably as many different definitions of being a submissive as there are practicioners of BDSM, partly because it means something different to everyone and partly because it can be very hard to accurately describe exactly what it means to be a submissive.  The above definition is probably as close as words can come to describing my own submission.

I've thought of myself as a submissive for a long time - probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  In hindsight I was wrong: it would have been more accurate to think of myself as a masochist - a distinction that I would only understand many years later.  To truly understand submission I think you have to experience it.  Don't get me wrong: you can understand a lot without that experience, but you understand a whole lot more once you've experienced true submission.  Despite classing myself as submissive for such a long period of time I am still a rather green and inexperienced sub and I'm sure that my understanding will grow and evolve as I experience more.

masochist (n.) one who obtains pleasure and gratification through humiliation, punishment or being subjected to a trying or unpleasant experience

Again there are an unlimited number of definitions of masochism, but this one strikes a chord with me as it closely describes my own masochistic tendencies.

In hindsight as a teenager I was quite masochistic, deliberately subjecting myself to ordeals that would be deemed by the majority of society to be rather unpleasant but which were to me incredibly arousing and gratifying.  It was only when I gained access to the internet in private that I discovered that this was not in any way abnormal and that I needn't hide it or be ashamed of myself for being this way.  Of course it is one thing to believe this inwardly but quite another to come out and openly admit these tendencies to others - which is why I have, until now, only openly admitted a small portion of my submissive and masochistic tendencies and then only to a single highly trusted person.

British society can be very close-minded about anything that deviates from the perceived sexual norm of a heterosexual vanilla relationship.  Of course things are beginning to loosen up a little, but in practice this only extends (from a BDSM perspective) to a casual and (to my mind) rather lame version of BDSM involving furry love cuffs (that the sub could remove by themself) and a light-weight spanking paddle wielded so gently that it won't come close to bruising the flesh of any backside.

My wish to be dominated in a sado-masochistic manner continued for another dozen or so years until my first real-life encounters of BDSM with another person taught me what submission really is - even though this only involved the rather woolly and not so "hardcore" BDSM acts described above.  In this blog I plan to share and explore my innermost desires and fantasies.  I've been repressing so much for so long, so this exploration will probably shock me at times - but I view that as a good thing if it helps me to truly accept who I am.